: Me You Sex Sex in public places Butt sex The sexual foibles of ex’s The etiquette of group sex What that slut at the next table is wearing How our parents fucked us up beyond all repair How much everyone around us sucks The epistemological and metaphysical implications of superstring theory The epistemological and metaphysical implications of us having sex The Iron Chef Whether or not Scooby Doo is in fact a metaphor for hallucinogenic drug use This web page Flannery O’Connor’s use of symbolism Herman Melville’s use of metaphor Ron Jeremy’s use of irony Lots of different things “Then, the doctor told me that BOTH my eyes were lazy!
” “Her face looks like it caught on fire and someone beat it out with a rake.” Do your friends control your love life, you pussy?
“Daddy, I’m scared, too scared to even wet my pants.” What should I wear?
: Something that says “derelict frat boy,” like khakis, a button down and a ratty hat Something that says “I’m a rich, arrogant lawyer”, like a navy Hugo Boss suit and Hermes tie Something that says “I’m Euro-trash, but at least I look good,” like black Armani pants and a tight Zegna shirt Something that says “I ain’t got me no money,” like a burlap sack Something that says “I’ve been on Cops,” like boxer shorts and a stained wife-beater Something that says “ethnic,” like a dashiki and a fez Something that says “I really don’t care”, like flip-flops, old jeans and logo t-shirt Something that says “ghetto fabulous,” like a Fubu jersey and Karl Kani jeans Something that says “retro Miami Vice,” like a peach colored polo shirt and white suit Something that says “I shop at thrift stores,” like Dickie’s and a mechanic’s shirt Something that says “1993 Jodeci video”, like a hot pink tank top and spandex shorts Something that says “hip Militia Man”, like a Patagonia fleece over Kevlar body armor Whatever you have that’s clean Surprise me Nothing at all “Daddy, these rubber pants are hot.” What will we do on our first date?
: Go to dinner and a movie Mock those less fortunate than us Argue, yell and possibly even fight Fuck. Try to cripple children Go to a gentlemen’s club and try and pick up a stripper Get absolutely shit-housed, fucked-in-half, retarded drunk Go to a gun range Get absolutely shit-housed, fucked-in-half, retarded drunk and go to a gun range with a stripper we picked up at a gentlemen’s club (…my personal choice) Felch each other (…decidedly not my choice) All of the above None of the above Some strange combination of the above “Will you cook my dinner for me?
My parents aren’t around and I’m not allowed to turn on the stove.” What type of food will we eat, assuming we go to dinner?
: Italian Chinese American Southwestern Vegan (yeah…have fun eating alone) Light post-coital snack Chick-fil-a Who needs to eat if liquor is available?
I don’t eat–I’m a smack addict Whatever we find in the dumpster Nothing, I’m already too fat as it is “My cat’s breath smells like cat food.” What will we drink?
(we will be drinking…or at least I’ll be drinking): champagne beer liquor fine malt liquor wine wine in a box fine apple wine whatever is cheapest whatever we can steal from homeless people whatever we can make in your bathtub I prefer hard drugs, thank you “They taste like…burning! : The smell of alcohol A few beers A few glasses of wine A six-pack A six-pack of Ripple I can out drink a Wahoo I can out drink an Irish Catholic Ever heard of Motley Crue? “My parent’s won’t let me use scissors.” What will we talk about on our date?
Your name: Your email: Your age: Your sex: Female (This is non-negotiable. D./MD/DMD I go to the Vo-Tech, climb under a car, and sleep all day Jay Truck Driving School what’s edumacation? Your pheromones are too sexy to cover up I don’t like myself, and I’m hoping you’ll treat me like a used-up stripper Everything “You’re deceptive.” When would you like to go out with me? ) The kids at school used to call out “Baaaby Ruuth” when I would walk by No, really, I don’t think you understand: I am UG-LY “Daddy says I’m ‘this close’ to living in the yard! : Cheap flowers Expensive champagne Your A+ game I like shiny things A unquenchable libido Astroglide A shoehorn Amniotic dysentery A small, hairless Asian boy Your enema bag collection “And I want a bike and a monkey and a friend for the monkey.” What will I do when I see you?