Ashley I returns to Paradise confident that this time will be different.
Or she’ll see that movie when it comes out at Christmas. She makes a beeline for everyone but Caila and talks in an outside voice to make sure Jared knows she’s, like, totally fine. The minute Jared tells her that he’s hanging out with Caila she loses her shit.
As she walks in, Ashley does that thing we all do when we see a guy we like who isn’t into us. Apparently, since leaving the Bachelor, Caila has relocated to New York where she and Ashley share milkshakes and braid one another’s hair, and before Ashley left for Paradise, Caila assured Ashley that she wasn’t coming to Paradise and also she’s really not into Jared.
So naturally she’s in Paradise and totally macking on Ashley’s man.
Jared sits down for their weekly counseling session.
Instead, the weenie who got wasted and passed out last week needs his compression sock changed, or something, so he grabs Carly for a romantic date to a Mexican hospital where she watches an ungloved medic sloppily take blood before announcing that she’s all aboard the Evan train.
And I’m the asshole watching the entire train wreck in slow mo.
Faster than you can say Ashley Iaconetti crying, it’s rose ceremony time.
But before the guys give out their roses, Nick decides to give Kardashley some tough love.
As Ashley professes her inability to be alone and/or get over Jared, he looks around awkwardly, looking for a blunt instrument to put himself out of his misery.
Apparently ABC left out the part where Ashley begged Jared for 20 minutes to go on a date with her and goes right to the part where she halfheartedly asks Daniel on a date. The next morning, we learn that Daniel wasn’t enough to derail Ashley from the Jared train.
Of the three remaining guys: Evan, Nick and Daniel, she deems Daniel the most dateable. She’s barely slept and has minimal makeup, letting us know that we’re about to experience cry #2.